hot flash

Sex after 50? First Comes Love (Part IV)

By Mary Kingsley

So what’s happened between me and my fella since I decided to impress him with a trip to the racy lingerie store (PartI)?

Quite a lot, actually. While I didn’t enter into this relationship with any particular expectations, all of them have been exceeded.

At first we had some logistical issues around spending time together. We didn’t live close to each other, and we both had tricky schedules and housing complications.

We had to settle for dinner dates followed by necking in the car like teenagers, along with the occasional motel or hotel room overnight stay like The Big Date (Part II).

Before too many months passed, it was clear to both of us this relationship was going in the right direction. We really enjoyed each other’s company, we made each other laugh, we wanted a lot of the same things out of life and from our relationship, and – last but not least – it turned out to be the best sex both of us had ever had.

How can middle-aged sex be better than youthful, hormone-driven sex?

For one thing, we had both been “around the block” a few times, as the saying goes, and we knew how to please each other. We also listened to each other, and paid attention to what the other person wanted, and what worked for both of us.

We were also not at all shy about directly asking for what we wanted or needed, and then expressing our genuine appreciation when we got it!

Unlike what happened during sex back in my twenties, I was no longer inhibited about these things, and I didn’t worry about what he would think of me (“Will he think I’m too slutty if I _____?”). 

We found that we could even discuss what happened in the bedroom openly, even when we were NOT in the bedroom, with almost no embarrassment.

Middle age has those advantages.

Both of us had also learned lessons from previous relationships.

We had learned what issues are priorities for each of us, and which issues are not worth arguing over.

Putting petty differences of opinion in perspective and not making big deals out of minor disagreements is crucial, as is maintaining our sense of humor.

We also learned, through the very hard lesson of enduring years of loneliness (Part III), what a precious thing it is to find a deep, genuine connection with another person.

We both had a huge desire to cherish and nurture the wonderful new thing we had found together.

Most of all, we were willing to communicate and express our feelings towards each other, early and often. That continues to this day.

He had no problem telling me that he loved me, much earlier than I expected to hear it. And we tell each other that we love each other every single day. We never tire of hearing it.

And now where do we stand?

We are living together! We have even discussed the very likely possibility of getting married in the near future.

I am glad I found him, after all this time.

I think that, if you are open to doing new things and meeting new people, you can find someone too. It doesn’t have to mean living together and marriage, necessarily, but hopefully someone you can laugh with, have sex with, and enjoy life together. That’s what counts.


To join the Hot Flash Sisters, download the free app now:

Sex after 50? The Drought (Part III)

By Mary Kingsley

When I say in Sex after 50? Yes, Please (Part I) that it had been a very long time since I’d “been with” a man, we’re talking years. Several years. This is not from a conscious choice, mind you; it just sort of happened.

After my husband died, dating was the furthest thing from my mind, apart from a few glimpses into the world of online dating, which seemed very disappointing.

It wasn’t that I didn’t ever want to be in a relationship again or marry again; it just didn’t seem to be within the realm of possibility.

My life was full of coping – coping with raising my kids, coping with money troubles, coping with relatives, coping with my own moods and attempts at normalcy.

I didn’t feel attractive, and I didn’t feel attracted. To anybody.

Other widows I know have been through the same thing, which belies all those widowhood books I read which claimed that the majority of those widowed young (before the age of 50) remarry within 2-5 years. I didn’t see how that could possibly be.

So I lived my life, and I didn’t go out much. But as my kids grew up and out, I started to lift my head up and look around a little more.

I tried some things I’d never tried before. I went to some new places. The world had carried on without me, it seemed, and I’d been missing out.

When I finally met my fella, I wasn’t looking for anything in particular. While I felt too old for a “fling” in the proper sense of the word, I also didn’t expect to find my soulmate in the first relationship in such a very long time.

But we clicked, as I wrote in The Big Date (Part II). What I found really surprising was how much a physical relationship fulfilled my deep emotional need.

Before I had even thought to utter the “L” word, I felt loved.

Being caressed and kissed and hugged made me feel both loved and lovable again. And that was the greatest discovery.

Sex at this age was no longer just about sex for me; it was about feeling that very important human connection.

I was lucky to find someone who needed and wanted that as much as I did, and who was just as good at giving as he was at receiving (if not more so).

Many friends around my age (married and single alike) have confided to me that they are no longer interested in sex.

Although I totally get that, especially since I managed to live without it for the better part of ten years, I still feel that it’s sad they have lost any interest in sex.

Not because I think it’s essential for everyone to be at it like rabbits, but I’m concerned that these amazing, lovable women may be deprived of that very human need to be touched and to feel loved. That’s what I don’t want anyone to lose, at any age.

And I intend to embrace it (and him!) fully.
So where are we headed? There are a few more things to tell you in Part IV.


To join the Hot Flash Sisters, download the free app now:

Sex after 50? The Big Date (Part II)

By Mary Kingsley

Granted, it was not a glamorous place to rekindle my sex life – a low budget motel – to avoid the logistical difficulties we both had at our homes. You don’t usually reach our age without children or whatever other complications we all have. But it was still exciting, and perhaps a bit more so because of the slightly seedy locale.

My soon-to-be lover and I had met a few months back, but only got a chance to have a real conversation a couple of weeks before, and we hit it off right away. His eyes sparkled with genuine interest, and we really enjoyed talking.

Follow that up with some friendly texting, getting more and more personal, until he finally just came right out and told me that he was interested in me. I was blown away.

My recent experiences with men had been less than satisfactory – most seemed reluctant to get involved, and scared of any personal revelations, much less emotional entanglements. But he just came right out and told me he was attracted to me.

Apparently there is no greater aphrodisiac than forthright declarations of desire! I was intrigued. And aroused.

We met for a normal “date,” hugged, and had a long talk.

Outside as we walked along, I decided that I didn’t want to wait for the uncomfortable end-of-date “will we kiss?” moment (Anybody see Annie Hall?), so I just grabbed him and went for it.

Turns out that’s a good way of letting a fellow know you’re interested.

So we started talking about sex. And sharing via text some of our desires (“sexting,” as the kids call it).

We both shared that it had been a while. In my case, a long while. We both admitted that we were nervous, but willing to give it a go. I expressed how awkward I might feel.

“Let’s feel awkward together,” he suggested. What a guy!

So we set the date, and I went through my preparations. (As I talked about in Love after 50? Yes, Please (Part I)).

I had a lot of ideas about things I wanted to do with this man and I hoped I had the nerve to do them.

It turns out that with age comes some good things. Despite the ravages of time, babies and gravity, my body seemed to be desirable to him. This man had realistic expectations for people our age.

The other good thing was that I had far fewer inhibitions about what I was willing to do and talk about. I was not afraid to ask for what I wanted.

After arriving at the motel and a bit of welcoming canoodling, I wanted to change into my outfit and impress him with my preparations. Unfortunately, the sink and mirror were located not IN the bathroom, but just outside it!

So much for my big plans of making sure I looked perfect, head to toe. I had to wing it.
I put on my black slinky lingerie. Just wearing something that made me look sexy also made me FEEL sexy, both desired and full of desire. I headed out of the little bathroom.

My mani-pedi looked great. But I still felt nervous.

Then I saw his face. Big smile. He looked me up and down.

“Wow,” he said.

I was thrilled. I stepped forward. But instead of heading straight into the kiss-and-grope mode,

I wanted to let him know that I had an adventurous side.

I had asked him to get a bucket of ice. Presumably this was for our drinks, as we’d both brought snacks and adult beverages.  But I had other ideas. I asked him to grab an ice cube and directed him to follow my lead.

It turns out that years of physical inactivity had allowed me plenty of time for exercising my imagination. I enjoyed letting my wild side come out of hibernation. It was remarkably exciting if a bit chilly!  

I was not sure what possessed me to be so bossy and daring, but I loved it. And, very clearly, so did he.

The rest of the night was very memorable. Not perfect, mind you – there were some awkward moments. But overall, it became clear that we both wanted the same things: love, sex, affection, and fun. And those things were all within our grasp.

So I encourage you, Sisters – take charge of your sex lives!

Wear things that make you feel sexy and good.

Ask for what you want.

Be bold.

Chances are, you will get a very good response!

Can this level of excitement last once we’ve had a chance to get used to each other? Find out in Sex after 50? The Drought (Part III).


To join the Hot Flash Sisters, download the free app now: