Sex after 50? The Drought (Part III)

By Mary Kingsley

When I say in Sex after 50? Yes, Please (Part I) that it had been a very long time since I’d “been with” a man, we’re talking years. Several years. This is not from a conscious choice, mind you; it just sort of happened.

After my husband died, dating was the furthest thing from my mind, apart from a few glimpses into the world of online dating, which seemed very disappointing.

It wasn’t that I didn’t ever want to be in a relationship again or marry again; it just didn’t seem to be within the realm of possibility.

My life was full of coping – coping with raising my kids, coping with money troubles, coping with relatives, coping with my own moods and attempts at normalcy.

I didn’t feel attractive, and I didn’t feel attracted. To anybody.

Other widows I know have been through the same thing, which belies all those widowhood books I read which claimed that the majority of those widowed young (before the age of 50) remarry within 2-5 years. I didn’t see how that could possibly be.

So I lived my life, and I didn’t go out much. But as my kids grew up and out, I started to lift my head up and look around a little more.

I tried some things I’d never tried before. I went to some new places. The world had carried on without me, it seemed, and I’d been missing out.

When I finally met my fella, I wasn’t looking for anything in particular. While I felt too old for a “fling” in the proper sense of the word, I also didn’t expect to find my soulmate in the first relationship in such a very long time.

But we clicked, as I wrote in The Big Date (Part II). What I found really surprising was how much a physical relationship fulfilled my deep emotional need.

Before I had even thought to utter the “L” word, I felt loved.

Being caressed and kissed and hugged made me feel both loved and lovable again. And that was the greatest discovery.

Sex at this age was no longer just about sex for me; it was about feeling that very important human connection.

I was lucky to find someone who needed and wanted that as much as I did, and who was just as good at giving as he was at receiving (if not more so).

Many friends around my age (married and single alike) have confided to me that they are no longer interested in sex.

Although I totally get that, especially since I managed to live without it for the better part of ten years, I still feel that it’s sad they have lost any interest in sex.

Not because I think it’s essential for everyone to be at it like rabbits, but I’m concerned that these amazing, lovable women may be deprived of that very human need to be touched and to feel loved. That’s what I don’t want anyone to lose, at any age.

And I intend to embrace it (and him!) fully.
So where are we headed? There are a few more things to tell you in Part IV.


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